Disregarded in the Darkness... - Essay

“Disregarded in the darkness, the fact of enlightenment remained.”

This, one of the final lines in Aldous Huxleys masterpiece, “Island”, captures for me one of the great challenges in my own awakening process – the fact of being disregarded by those I have loved the most and from whom I most wish recognition would come; my birth family. I’ve had countless inner conversations with my strong LDS mother, father and brothers about the new world I’ve been blessed to stumble upon, only to find in reality no consistent foothold for a conversation that didn’t center around a right-wing worldview or worse, a family favorite sitcom like The Office, or Seinfeld. 

I am far from consistently enlightened, but the “ah-ha” moments come in rapid succession at times. I think this in-between state, the state of being consumed with egoic desires for recognition on one hand, and real respect and compassion for the path my parents and siblings find themselves on the other, has been one of the most difficult challenges I’ve ever faced. I can’t share any more these moments of new recognition of seemingly universal truths… even if they were interested, in many instances the bread crumbs I’ve dropped along the path away from “religiosity” are no longer there; I am unable to tell exactly how I came to believe how I do, to give foundation for the new discovery I would otherwise like to share. I just have a deep knowing that I trust from multifaceted experience.

“Disregarded in the darkness, the fact of enlightenment remained.”

So what can we do? It’s a legitimate question. For me, seeing ego arise in the fact of my 
own desires for recognition is one well-worn exercise for me. Needy little beggar as he is, I have to take my little boy on my lap and tell him he is worthwhile with or without recognition before allowing him to go play another game. Finding people that share my passion for the ontological “what is this life” question has been helpful  - not necessarily in the recognition department but in the “you are not alone” department. Because as grasping as the little dude that wants his family to show love to him can be (in the ways he wants them to show it), the “You Are Alone” guy can be downright dangerous. Of course ultimately we are alone (in our unique physical manifestation), and ultimately we are never alone (as a part of All That Is). But being comfortable on the line between those two truths is the work, at least for me.

 
As inane as social media can be, I am grateful to have found a few “tribes” within it with whom I can share my little discoveries and foibles along the path. They comprise my spiritual family. They help me when I get stuck, and give me little nuggets that can sometimes turn in to bread for days of contemplation. In the end, it’s unfair to ask my birth family to do something they are unwilling to do. It’s their path, it’s their karma, and it’s perfect in this moment or it would not exist. I was unable to ask hard questions about my spiritual path for decades, too. Like them, seeing myself from the vantage of my Self is the great work, whether it is recognized or not. As opportunities arise to be distracted from this great Oneness, coming back I realize I am never fully disregarded, never fully in darkness. 

None of us are.