Santa Barbara
I am locked in this battle of wills with a great white
giant. I don't know much about him, but he works for God and seems to be assigned to me alone. The thing is, the dude is all powerful. But he doesn't use it in a bad way, really. It’s just that
when I don’t want to do what he wants me to do he just stops helping me. So I
feel controlled in a sense.
The thing is… well, I can talk to this guy. I can talk to him and
he’ll listen to me. In fact, he does pretty much everything I ask him to do. But the
issue is when I change my mind. He just says, “You said something different
back there five years ago.” And if I ask him so what, then he starts telling me
that what I said five years ago was in alignment with my soul’s purpose, and
what I want to do right now, he says too often, is not. So, since he is all powerful – he
never says this but he implies it – I can do what I want, always, but he’s not
going to help me in the same way he would if I chose something that WAS in
alignment with my soul.
But I want what I want sometimes. I don’t always say that, but that’s how I feel. If I do say or act like that, the great white giant just shrugs and kind of shakes his great goat head and looks sad. What’s worse, I feel like all the spirits I’ve asked to surround me kind of sit suspended when I say and act like that – like I want what I want and screw the rest. I guess they’re in the same boat as the great white giant, in a sense; he does what God wants him to do and then they do what the great white giant says.
So what did I say five years ago? Well, that’s just an example but it’s the same thing I’ve said all my life: That I want to be used for something good here on this planet. That I want to grow at any cost. That I want to serve the people. That I want to use all the gifts I’ve been blessed with or that I’ve developed since my soul was birthed to help others find their purposes, to grow, to find constant connection.
But I want what I want sometimes. I don’t always say that, but that’s how I feel. If I do say or act like that, the great white giant just shrugs and kind of shakes his great goat head and looks sad. What’s worse, I feel like all the spirits I’ve asked to surround me kind of sit suspended when I say and act like that – like I want what I want and screw the rest. I guess they’re in the same boat as the great white giant, in a sense; he does what God wants him to do and then they do what the great white giant says.
So what did I say five years ago? Well, that’s just an example but it’s the same thing I’ve said all my life: That I want to be used for something good here on this planet. That I want to grow at any cost. That I want to serve the people. That I want to use all the gifts I’ve been blessed with or that I’ve developed since my soul was birthed to help others find their purposes, to grow, to find constant connection.
So those are the types of prayers I’ve said since I was a
little kid, maybe five years old, when I told my mother I wanted to be the
prophet. I was Mormon at the time, but I wasn’t talking about being the President
of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was talking about being
that close to God as I understood him at the time. I didn’t want to ever feel
apart from him, that much I knew, and I think I maybe felt that separation was
coming like it does for all people that pass from childhood.
So in a way, I’ve dug my own grave. I’m hung by the tongue, so to speak. I said these things that are supposedly “in alignment” with my soul’s purpose. The great white giant heard me. He mobilized forces on my behalf because I asked. I have a ton of them working for me through him because a lot of what I want IS in alignment, has been. But when I want to go a different direction, maybe something easier, a little closer to normal, I am no longer surrounded by assistants, just spectators whose hands are tied. They mill around doing the spirit helper equivalent of kicking rocks because they can only do what the great white giant allows them to do for me. So I pout, or rebel in some childish way, maybe threaten to kill myself, or even make the attempt. In short, I "numb out" as some great teachers put it, rather than use the tools I have. And the older I’ve become, the greater the pain I’ve experienced by allowing myself to want respite, an easier path, and then act on it. A path that doesn’t require sacrifice, that allows me to keep “my favorite sins”, so to speak; to eat as much sugar as I want, to listen to Godsmack or skip meditation.
The great giant doesn’t condemn me for any of these, he just rolls his huge eyes and shakes his horned head. Not because they’re sins, but because they’re like bus stops. They're pauses. And the problem with pauses of this type is that you don’t know where the next bus that shows up is going. And if you get on the first one that comes along because you're sick of the bus stop and anywhere is better than there, you’re likely to find yourself a long, long way from your intended destination and it’s a bitch to get back. Lots of people wonder what the hell you’re up to. People you really like, or even love.They just don't know what to do with you, what to think, and that's hard, too.
I have a feeling that I can call the right bus back anytime, though. I just have to put this fear of being controlled by something else on the back burner. It’s funny, paradoxical; I say I want God, but then when God sends a driver and a bus to take me there, I want to drive the bus myself. Take the scenic route. Make unscheduled stops. The great white giant will go where I tell him to as long as we agree since he’s the only one that has the map. But I can’t set off for, say, Santa Barbara, and then change my mind and tell him I want to go to Des Moines and then on the way there say Bismarck is better, and why not Tallahassee on the way to Bismarck with a quick stop in Seattle, when all the while he knows that when I said Santa Barbara, that was where I really wanted to be in the first place, was where I would find the other half of my soul that has been waiting for me to show up.
So in a way, I’ve dug my own grave. I’m hung by the tongue, so to speak. I said these things that are supposedly “in alignment” with my soul’s purpose. The great white giant heard me. He mobilized forces on my behalf because I asked. I have a ton of them working for me through him because a lot of what I want IS in alignment, has been. But when I want to go a different direction, maybe something easier, a little closer to normal, I am no longer surrounded by assistants, just spectators whose hands are tied. They mill around doing the spirit helper equivalent of kicking rocks because they can only do what the great white giant allows them to do for me. So I pout, or rebel in some childish way, maybe threaten to kill myself, or even make the attempt. In short, I "numb out" as some great teachers put it, rather than use the tools I have. And the older I’ve become, the greater the pain I’ve experienced by allowing myself to want respite, an easier path, and then act on it. A path that doesn’t require sacrifice, that allows me to keep “my favorite sins”, so to speak; to eat as much sugar as I want, to listen to Godsmack or skip meditation.
The great giant doesn’t condemn me for any of these, he just rolls his huge eyes and shakes his horned head. Not because they’re sins, but because they’re like bus stops. They're pauses. And the problem with pauses of this type is that you don’t know where the next bus that shows up is going. And if you get on the first one that comes along because you're sick of the bus stop and anywhere is better than there, you’re likely to find yourself a long, long way from your intended destination and it’s a bitch to get back. Lots of people wonder what the hell you’re up to. People you really like, or even love.They just don't know what to do with you, what to think, and that's hard, too.
I have a feeling that I can call the right bus back anytime, though. I just have to put this fear of being controlled by something else on the back burner. It’s funny, paradoxical; I say I want God, but then when God sends a driver and a bus to take me there, I want to drive the bus myself. Take the scenic route. Make unscheduled stops. The great white giant will go where I tell him to as long as we agree since he’s the only one that has the map. But I can’t set off for, say, Santa Barbara, and then change my mind and tell him I want to go to Des Moines and then on the way there say Bismarck is better, and why not Tallahassee on the way to Bismarck with a quick stop in Seattle, when all the while he knows that when I said Santa Barbara, that was where I really wanted to be in the first place, was where I would find the other half of my soul that has been waiting for me to show up.
So I’m here at this bus stop in the middle of some desert. It's lonely and chilly in the hours just before dawn. And I have some decisions
to make. I hear there’s a quaint little town down the road, not 15 miles from
here.
Or do I get back on the bus to Santa Barbara, which is
days and sleepless nights away?
PART TWO: The Great White Giant Speaks
Oh, Eric? What do I say about that guy? (Heavy sigh, shaking his head). He's great. He has this depth sometimes... his soul has been through more than I could ever explain to him. He's far more than he could ever really comprehend. He's not privy to that kind of information, you know? It's just not the way it works where he is, in his plane. We're sent to help. It's part of our karma, those like me. And then there are others whose karma it is to kind of do as I direct, which is, of course, what Eric says for us to do. But I think that he was just kind of complaining about that. What he doesn't understand is that because we know what his soul has done and where it has excelled and where it still has lessons to learn, we aren't going to bend to the complaining of his egos. When he is clear, still... when he is in nature, not distracted by anything, well... he never complains. He feels a part of All That Is. And he's right; he's closer to God than he can really understand with his mind. We never hear from his egos when he feels like that. He may not be comfortable, but he is at peace.
But... when his mind takes over and he wants distraction from the discomfort we allow to be there as a teacher he has shown that he is willing to sacrifice the growth of his soul and his peace for a temporary respite. And when we don't follow his orders in this regard... I think he likened it to letting him drive the bus - when we don't allow that - oh, he will throw a tantrum that would put any two-year old to shame. Except he doesn't kick and scream, he just refuses to help himself. He numbs out, watches movies, listens to music that is discordant and just allows this despair to take him. He has the tools, but he gets too far down the road and he won't use them. We have to wait until he makes a step in our direction, then we can jump in again and help him.
PART TWO: The Great White Giant Speaks
Oh, Eric? What do I say about that guy? (Heavy sigh, shaking his head). He's great. He has this depth sometimes... his soul has been through more than I could ever explain to him. He's far more than he could ever really comprehend. He's not privy to that kind of information, you know? It's just not the way it works where he is, in his plane. We're sent to help. It's part of our karma, those like me. And then there are others whose karma it is to kind of do as I direct, which is, of course, what Eric says for us to do. But I think that he was just kind of complaining about that. What he doesn't understand is that because we know what his soul has done and where it has excelled and where it still has lessons to learn, we aren't going to bend to the complaining of his egos. When he is clear, still... when he is in nature, not distracted by anything, well... he never complains. He feels a part of All That Is. And he's right; he's closer to God than he can really understand with his mind. We never hear from his egos when he feels like that. He may not be comfortable, but he is at peace.
But... when his mind takes over and he wants distraction from the discomfort we allow to be there as a teacher he has shown that he is willing to sacrifice the growth of his soul and his peace for a temporary respite. And when we don't follow his orders in this regard... I think he likened it to letting him drive the bus - when we don't allow that - oh, he will throw a tantrum that would put any two-year old to shame. Except he doesn't kick and scream, he just refuses to help himself. He numbs out, watches movies, listens to music that is discordant and just allows this despair to take him. He has the tools, but he gets too far down the road and he won't use them. We have to wait until he makes a step in our direction, then we can jump in again and help him.
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